....well...According to my journal, it was the ninth...so...exactly one week ago.
Ouch. I've found myself in this cycle since classes started back up for the semester of "doing really well" for about a day or two and then completely falling off of the proverbial wagon for a couple days after that. Soon after, I go to church during the week and/or on the weekend and get my dose of Jesus, feeling encouraged and wiser. Then I have my quiet time the next day. And maybe the day after that. And then nothing. Until I go to church again.
Now, I'm not trying to go down the whole legalistic pathway here of "you need to read your bible every day or you're not a real Christian!" I'm just being honest with myself. The days that I don't spend any time in the Word, my prayer life usually suffers. When my prayer life suffers, my everything suffers. And I literally mean my everything. When I'm not spending my day talking with God and setting aside some time daily to ask to hear from Him, my life gets drained of its purpose. I feel this distinct combination of unpleasant feelings {if that's not an estrogen-charged sentence, what is? Okay, back to being serious}. And it's not guilt or shame. It's the absence of something important. It's the feeling of being drained when I haven't even exerted any great physical or mental energy. Any resolve or drive to spend time on my God-given passions slowly dwindles. And let's not even get into what happens to my drive to do things that I need to do {but don't want to do}.
So...let's be honest for a minute or two. I have an obsessive personality. It's far too easy for me to spend hours upon hours doing just one or two things. It can be spent doing things that are unproductive, but not harmful in small doses: YouTubing random music, watching movies or TV, Facebooking {can we say HUGE time-suck??}, or reading for leisure. It can be spent doing productive things: practicing piano or voice for school, working out, reading my bible, journaling, etc...Or it can be wasted doing things that have been very detrimental to me throughout my life: overeating and entertaining thoughts that are full of worry, lust, fear, or frustration.
Here's what I've come to realize. To spend all of my time doing one thing, even if it is a good thing, is unhealthy for me. Balance is vital in my walk with Christ. I can't just sit at home and obsess over reading my bible. Do I need the wisdom and life it provides? Yes. But my personality tends to take everything I do for more than twenty minutes to some weird obsession-driven level. This makes it too easy for me to just read the bible for a couple hours but not really learn from it. I can't just let the text run through my mind. I've got to meditate on it. I've got to walk out into the world and live it out! "But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves." James 1:22
When I stop and think about all of my weaknesses it's easy for me to feel discouraged. But when I stop and think, really think, about my God, I am encouraged. "The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." Romans 8:11
So, honestly, right now, I feel completely powerless over myself. But, I will turn to my powerful, merciful God. Especially when I feel this way.
"...We are His portion
And He is our prize
Drawn to redemption
By the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean
We're all sinking
And heaven meets earth
Like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently
Inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us
Oh, how he loves us..."
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